depression is hitting me like a rock right now…
monterey bay aquarium - the blue pill
I met him when I was two years old. We were best friends with another girl named Jacy who I haven’t talked to her… Since. Well we were really close, grew up together, Nico’s mom was a teen mom and chose to put him in foster homes until she felt stable caring for him. He came from Italy, grew up speaking English with us. He never learned Italian. Well he was going to Italy to visit his mom one summer and as a tacky sort of joke, he gave me a mood ring which I still wear every day. And that was almost eight years ago. I can’t bare to think of losing it now and I get sort of tender when people comment on it, it’s more than just a mood ring to me now. He came back for three years then went back to Italy. Now he wasn’t a healthy person, he was born like that. Two years of being separated, he had a heart attack and was put into a coma that would supposably help him. Well his doctor, not a fluent English speaker sent me an email saying he had passed away, well fucking wrong that was, it was a mistranslation. I was devastated for almost a year when Nico called me on the phone and I started freaking out, he told me, he was okay and that he had woken up two months ago but was in intensive care. We started talking, more and more, more than we did when he first went back to Italy. We felt in love. So we declared it that way, Jacy, Nico and I having group video calls, asides Nico and I’s private calls that were intimate. He was coming back to America this past summer, he told me one night. And we could go camping for a week, then go see his favorite bands, The National and Neutral Milk Hotel preform in Boston in September. yeah well… He was then diagnosed with heart cancer. A week before he was supposed to come here, he had another heart attack and didn’t make it.
He was the change in my life, the reason I need to stay alive. He’s who kept me going. And he still does, I do everything in his memory now. I won’t give up. He fought, but he didn’t have the strength. So I’m using the strength he gave me while he was suffering to move on. It doesn’t stop me from missing him.
Maybe he wasn’t there for when I met Zach Condon, maybe he wasn’t there when I met the Dessner brothers or kept running into Ben and Kyle. Not even there for Jeremy Barnes joyfully waving at me from backstage. He won’t be here with me. But I can do it all for him, as he wished.
Painter painting in our land pictures of only white angels
Painter painting in our time in shadows of yesterday
Eartha Kitt - Angelitos Negros (1970 performance)
I fucking miss him.
It’s rapidly approaching November 18th… Two years ago it was misery, the next was still a struggle… This one, I’m thankful, and filled with an emotion I can’t really describe…
Photograph of artist Georgia O’Keeffe in the desert with one of her paintings.
TONY VACCARO/GEORGIA O’KEEFFE MUSEUM
"A Good Place" by Grizzly Bear
A simple feeling, aimed at you.
DISCIPLINE - LIVING WITH - Ana Kras and Devendra Banhart
Blue (Moby Dick) ~ Jackson Pollock
“I see myself rather like an old discarded dishrag.” -Morrissey